Real-Time Expert Film Commentary: BRAINSCAN

Tonight on Real-Time Expert Film Commentary we review the 1994 Edward Furlong classic, “Brainscan”. This time with animated .gifs(!) and assistance from The Mysterious New Zealand Noodle Man. Let’s get started, shall we?

I’m watching a movie called ‘Brainscan’. It stars Edward Furlong and it’s about an evil videogame. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

We shall see if it’s truly commentary-worthy. I’m already laughing at the mid-90s technology. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

“Dude, its an interactive CD-ROM!!” about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

These kids seem pretty excited by the prospect of an INTERACTIVE video game. I don’t think they understand what a video game is. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

BOOBS!! about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong is a creepy little voyeur. It’s the role he was born to play. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

If this kid moves in next door to you, you should probably invest in some curtains.

He called the company thru his computer! Whoa, dude. It’s like he can talk to people with his computer. I wish I could do that. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 @Dr_Moonmaster How are you sending these messages to me? STOP COMMUNICATING WITH THE DEVIL! about 20 hours ago from TwitterFox in reply to Dr_Moonmaster

Damn principle trying to screw with the horror movie club!….wait, what school would allow a horror movie club?? about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

@ProjectX2 I can’t stop. I AM THE DEVIL. about 20 hours ago  from twitterrific  in reply to ProjectX2

Furlong is playing the videogame, which let’s you see through the eyes of a killer. Y’know, like Animal Crossing. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

He’s cutting off a guy’s foot. I’m sorry, but that’s just taking a fetish too far. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

The murder really happened, because this time – THE GAME IS FOR REAL. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

Foot in the fridge. Almost as bad as head in the fridge, and not nearly as bad as balls in the fridge. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 I lost my balls in the fridge once. about 20 hours ago from TwitterFox

@ProjectX2 They’re such a pain to thaw too. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific in reply to ProjectX2

Oh shit, some creepy devil guy just came out of the TV! Bad special effects! Weird mohawk/mullet hairdo! Truly terrifying stuff. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

What. The. Fuck. A year after Jurassic Park and this is the best they could do? Wow.

He’s dancing around to Primus. It gets scarier and scarier. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

The horror.  The horror.

Apparently, watching a girl undress makes her fall in love with you. My suspicions are correct. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

He tried making a video of himself playing the game. I think he also recorded some kind of rant about noodles. about 20 hours ago

He killed his obnoxious friend. That’s not being a very good BFFF, bro. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 @Dr_Moonmaster NOODLES! WHY DID THEY CHANGE THEM?! about 19 hours ago from TwitterFox in reply to Dr_Moonmaster

Devil Man gorges self on random food items. Story at eleven. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong had a dream where he was getting it on with Neighbor Girl and she morphed into the guy he killed. How very erotic. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

There’s a dog that they’re using, and I swear it’s the best actor in the whole movie. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Devil Guy wants Furlong to kill Neighbor Girl. How utterly predictable. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong tried to kill Devil Guy and then Devil Guy ate him, sort of. More terrible special effects, of course. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! I WISH THIS MOVIE HAD A HIGHER BUDGEEETTTT!!!”

Now they are one. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Neighbor Girl was watching and photographing him, too. How sweet. Two perverts found each other. about 19 hours ago  from twitterrific

“Game over, you lose.” Cliche-ariffic. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

THE WHOLE THING WAS A FUCKING DREAM!!! WHAT A TWIST!!! about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Now Furlong is freaking the fuck out, for obvious reasons. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

“Kyle!” “No, it’s Axl Rose.” So very 90s. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

It turns out Neighbor Girl really does like him, IRL. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

He gave the game to the principle, to review. Revenge is a dish best served with corny 90s pop culture references. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

But wait, there’s more! The dog, with a severed foot. Long story. And end with some fucking metal. Fuck yeah. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

For a 90s movie, that was pretty 80s about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

I give it 666 Primus Dancing Devil Men out of ten. Or none, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL A FUCKING DREAM!!! about 19 hours ago  from twitterrific

That’s seriously how the movie ends.

- Eddie Furlo-, I mean…Sean. Yes. Sean. (Did you know I can make .gifs now?)

AUG 2008

The Dr. Barnaby T. Moon Adventure Blog!

I have launched a second blog, about the adventures of world-renowned explorer Dr. Barnaby T. Moon.

Visit it.

Read it.

Love it.

- Sean

AUG 2008

Real-Time Expert Film Commentary: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE

Taken from The Twitter:

Against all better judgment, I am watching Maximum Overdrive, the Stephen King movie about cars that kill people. Wish me luck. 02:57 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Haha, the atm called Stephen King an asshole. 02:58 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

“Music by AC/DC” because when I think ‘cars that kill people’, I think AC/DC. 03:02 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Pictured above:  Algebra.

Cool, that truck has the green goblin on it. I didn’t know Willem Defoe was in this. 03:05 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

That black guy said ‘yo mamma’ to the pinball machine. Now, that’s just gonna piss it off. 03:07 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

THE COKE MACHINE SHOT A POP AT THE GUY’S NUTS! Brilliant. And then it killed him and started attacking some kids. 03:13 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Some kid got run over and crushed! That’s horrible! 03:14 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

BRUTAL!! Knowing Stephen King, I bet it was a real child. His parents allowed him to be killed on screen because they read the script and realized that his life would be a small sacrifice in order to get this incredible film made.

It’s whatsherface who plays Lisa Simpson! Damn is she weird looking. 03:22 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Yeardly Smith, in her most gripping non-Simpsons performance since “The Legend of Billie Jean”.

ICE CREAM TRUCK, RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE! 03:29 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Who screams for ice cream? YOU SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!! 03:29 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

“You wanna rock n roll with me puss-bag??” Great insult. Insult to a truck. 03:34 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The truck just ran over a bible. Damn atheist trucks, trying to destroy the heartland with their San Francisco liberal values. 03:36 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

It’s a whole bunch of trucks. It’s like if all the gay truckers got together at one rest stop bathroom to play with each other’s wieners. 03:39 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

That truck fell off a hill but blew up before it even hit the ground. Lisa Simpson must have pyrokinesis. 03:43 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

WHY DOES THE FAT OLD GUY WHO RUNS THE DINER HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? 03:46 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And why don’t the trucks just ram into the diner. These trucks are dumbasses. 03:47 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Aww. Emilio Estevez is a tender southern gentleman. 03:48 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The hitchhiker girl fucked Emilio Estevez. What a slut. 03:54 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Pausing briefly to do something else. Mark my place. 04:02 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

This is what I was doing……Don’t you fucking judge me.

Aaaaand, we’re back. The drunk waitress went crazy. 05:06 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Still forty minutes left in this movie… 05:08 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The kid tried to climb into a pipe earlier but he couldn’t get the grate off. He tried now and it comes right off. What the fuck? 05:11 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU! What appropriate music. I hope Emilio Estevez is about to rock. If so, I salute him. *salutes* 05:14 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Emilio Estevez, clearly about to rock. I, for one, salute him.

Quandary: How do the trucks see and hear people? Is it magic? I bet it’s magic. Or science. There’s no difference, really. 05:18 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

A bulldozer just smashed it’s way in. But the trucks didn’t. Apparently bulldozers are smarter than trucks. 05:25 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And then some army truck shot a bunch of people because they were too stupid to fucking duck. 05:26 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They sent them a message in morse code honks. Because they can communicate too. Was this based on a true story? It’s just so realistic. 05:28 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They’re refueling the trucks because the trucks told them to. With “Hell’s Bells” playing in the background. This movie is incredible. 05:32 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Emilio thinks it’s aliens. 05:38 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They conveniently decide to smash up the place just as everyone is escaping. And boy are they a-smashin’. 05:42 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

You would think they could’ve done that earlier…

The diner done blowed up. The diner done blowed up real good. 05:44 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

OH FUCK NO ITS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! … Oh, they killed it. That was easy. 05:45 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They blew the green goblin to shit and then they escaped on a boat, all whilst rocking out to the sweet ruckus of AC/DC. Good for them. 05:49 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

EPILOGUE: a Russian satellite blew up a UFO and they got away from the comet or whatever, so everything’s fine now. 05:51 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And “The survivors of the Dixie Boy are still survivors.” Thank god, cuz I was worried about that. 05:56 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

I give it twelve “She shook me all night long”s out of ten. 05:58 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

I subtracted five points for NOT MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE, but add seven for it’s rocking soundtrack and it’s rocking Emilio Estevez. 05:59 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO TRUCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!! 06:04 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

- Sean, shaking it all night long.

AUG 08

“Goddamn, I Wish I Hadn’t Clicked on That”: Why I Hate the Internet

I hate the Internet. Here’s why. (If you’re the kind of person who hears someone else tell them that they should not look at something lest they be scarred for life but do it anyway, you might want to click “back” right now. (I know you’re not going to though.))

Last night, while looking around YouTube, I started checking out shock site reaction videos, to 2girls1cup, Lemon Party, Tubgirl. Y’know, the usual. The funny thing I’ve noticed that I have to admit is that this kind of stuff…just doesn’t shock me much. I have not watched 2girls1cup for various reasons, but most of the shock photos I’ve been subjected to have barely elicited a reaction in me. I’m not an easy person to shock and for some reason, that kind of stuff just seems funny/bizarre to me. What really freaks me out is anything having to do with violence, which I avoid like the plague. At that point I was reminded of a conversation I had with two members at Ultimate Central (I absolutely cannot remember who it was.) where we discussed the BME Pain Olympics. I’m sure those of you who know what that one is just collectively cringed. [member who I cannot remember right now] had already seen it but I and [other member who I cannot remember right now] hadn’t. We talked about it and the one of us who had seen it explained that he thought it wasn’t real.

Remembering this, I decided to googulize the video, with no intention of actually watching it, but just to find out if it’s ever been confirmed to be real or fake. While searching, I almost immediately came across a screenshot . . . and my first reaction was that I could totally see exactly how they would’ve faked it. Then I read various people pointing out things that didn’t make sense about the video: 1. You would absolutely bleed to death before you could apparently post the video on the internet for other’s enjoyment. 2. Any basic high-school anatomy textbook would tell you that the testicles are connected to the body by a thick cord and are wrapped in several layers of nerves and veins. Hence, you wouldn’t be able to pop them out like golf balls from a plastic bag full of ketchup. And then the clincher: the original version of the video actually said at the end that it was all fake and that it had been meant as a parody. Most people just cut out the warning when they started floating it around the internet. What a relief. But I was curious as to what it was a parody of. Here is where I should have turned back.

According to Wikipedia, BME stands for Body Modification Ezine, a website dedicated mainly to fans of tattoos, piercings, and other more unique ways to piss your parents off. But those with special subscriptions to the site can access areas having to do with considerably more extreme forms of body modification, with accompanying videos and pictures. From what I’ve read, it seems like what is simulated in the Pain Olympics video is most likely an exaggeration and that while people do do quite extreme things to themselves, you wouldn’t do something like that unless you were trying to kill yourself. If you wanted it done and wanted to live, it would have to be done surgically.

Anyways, BME is a pay subscription site, which was good because I meant that I couldn’t be tempted to actually visit it. (Considering the way he’s used the theme of extreme body modification in his work, I would bet my soul that Warren Ellis has an account there. This should be enough warning. Look at freaky body mod fetish stuff AND YOU TURN INTO WARREN ELLIS.) However, I saw that link to the “BME Wiki” at the bottom of the Wikipedia article and goddamn it, I had to click on it. I mean how bad could it be, right? It’s not like there’s going to be pictures or anything. Right?

My morbid curiosity led me to go to exactly the pages you would/wouldn’t want to see and…dear god…there were pictures. I could handle it for a few pages, a lot of them weren’t that extreme, but then I had to see what “Subincision” is. What it is…is a procedure that I would rather not try and find the words to describe. And of course, there were photos. But that wasn’t even what got me. It was the section where they started explaining why someone would have it done, what “pleasurable” activities could be pursued once you’ve had such a thing done to you. I finally became to queasy to read on when it began describing how hardcore of a masochist you’d have to be to be able to endure the kind of pain you’d experience just by having any kind of sexual contact once you’ve been “subincised”, and was unable to learn what “head splitting” is. (I could easily guess, but I choose not to.) I mean, I’m a damn hippie, love-everybody liberal and even I was horrified beyond belief. I consider myself pretty open-minded but I can’t come up with a reason why human beings who would be willingly “subincised” deserve to exist on this plane of reality. In fact, I have a working theory that such people are, in fact, Cenobites:

How do they function?? How far have they descended into sexual deviancy that they would do something like that just to get off better? What if you get together with some girl who’s not into that kind of shit and she sees that thing? Wouldn’t she throw up all over you? And wouldn’t you then post it online for others to pleasure themselves to? Who are these people? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?
Ahem.

And that’s why I hate the internet.

Note that I didn’t include any links to the material mentioned, even to the Wikipedia article. You may foolishly look up “Subincision” on your own time to figure out what it is but I hope that you don’t. I’m getting sick right now, just thinking of it.

Now. Let us cleanse the pallet with a good old fashioned video of thirty or forty people watching the Pain Olympics.

Hehehe.

Now excuse me, I have to play with kittens or hug a teddy bear or something until my soul feels clean again.

- Sean, recently subincised and loving it!!

JULY08

Taking Another Break

I obviously haven’t updated in a while and I’m thinking I’ll be putting things on hiatus again for a little while.

See ya for now.

- Sean

JUNE 08

Sarah Jessica Parker or a Horse?

A Fun Quiz!:

1.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. a Horse

2.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. a Horse

3.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. Horse

4.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. Horse

5.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. Horse

6.

Is this: a. Sarah Jessica Parker b. Horse

See how you scored:

1. a 2. b 3. b 4. a 5. b 6. a

I hope that wasn’t too hard, lulz!!11

- Sean, I’m going to hell when I die . . .

MAY 08

The Running Man (Or Woman): Ranking Barack Obama’s Vice Presidential Prospects

Now that Barack Obama is the presumed nominee, the obvious next question is who his running mate will be. I decided to run down the choices and rate them using the tested and highly reputable “Obama Girl Scale”.

Hillary Clinton

The media has been abuzz with the notion that Obama may extend an olive branch to virtually defeated rival Hillary Clinton and bring her on board his campaign.

THE PROS: The first one is obvious – uniting the Dems once again by taking on Hillary and her supporters. Besides, that she’s got many of the qualities Obama is perceived as lacking (experience, familiarity) and she knows how to run a tough campaign.

THE CONS: She’s Hillary. She carries with her a lot of negative opinion from inside the party and out. This could turn away moderates and give the Republicans a lot of extra ammo to throw at Obama.

VERDICT: People are overestimating the rift in the Democratic Party. If they held the general election tomorrow, yes, the Clinton fans might go McCain, but over the next 6 months, wounds will heal and they’ll realize that practically any Democrat is better than Bush II: The Senior Years. Besides, I doubt Hillary wants to be second fiddle in the White House again.

Al Gore

Speaking of former presidential second fiddles, Al Gore has seen a massive rise in popularity since he “lost” the 2000 election and “An Inconvenient Truth” has made him bigger than he ever was in politics. People tried to draft him into running early on in the race, but perhaps a few more years as VP would be more realistic.

THE PROS: He’s got great public appeal, celebrity backing and plenty of that experience stuff without as much baggage as Hillary.

THE CONS: He’s been out of the game for eight years and his hard political skills could be rusty. And though he’s not widely disliked, he has plenty of detractors in the “Global-Warming-Doesn’t-Exist-Stick-My-Fingers-In-My-Ears-La-La-La-La” crowd.

THE VERDICT: Gore would be a nice choice but he’s said he doesn’t want to be a part of the race and I believe him. He’s left Washington behind for Hollywood and he has no good reason to look back.

John Edwards

John Edwards was a handsome and likable candidate running on a unique platform of poverty relief. He would’ve been an admirable candidate had he not been up against the likes of Clinton and Obama. Edwards recently, finally endorsed Obama, but Edwards might benefit more from actually reentering the race.

THE PROS: He’s likable and a bit more experienced and he may snag the working class white vote that Obama has always had trouble with.

THE CONS: There were claims of hypocrisy during his campaign and some may doubt his ability to shake the stink of defeat from ‘04.

THE VERDICT: Edwards wouldn’t be a terrible choice, but the more one looks at it, the more obvious it becomes that Obama needs someone to make up for his weaknesses and that Edwards just doesn’t do that.

Wesley Clark

Wesley Clark – he might be the least known of this group, but he’s also probably the strongest. A highly decorated four-star general, Clark commands a lot of respect and is a favorite with Democrats.

THE PROS: A lot. He basically has everything Obama doesn’t – he’s undeniably experience with national security and foreign policy. Basically, his military background totally overshadows McCain’s. The red states will go for him even though he’s Democrat to the bone.

THE CONS: Not many. There really aren’t many reasonable attacks that the Republicans have ever been able to launch against him. The only problem is…

THE VERDICT: …He already endorsed Hillary. But he’s shown himself to be an essentially unconditional supporter of Democratic candidates and there’s no way he’s not going to be supporting Obama once Hillary drops out. There are other people who come close, but Clark is just about the best choice Obama has for Vice President.

Who will really be Obama’s running mate? That’s for him to decide, us to find out, and FOX News to criticize.

- Sean, creator of the surprisingly unsuccessful “Dennis Kucinich Girl” video.

MAY 08

BITS AND PIECES: Hillary Downhill, Google Maps Mayhem, and Brolin as Bush!

Hillary Clinton got smashed by Barack Obama in North Carolina on Tuesday and won Indiana my a measly 2%. As usual, the pundits were going on and on about “game changers” and whatnot, but I expected this to be another close race that would result in Hillary keeping hopelessly in the race and everyone else going along with it. Boy, was I surprised. Not by the results, which were to be expected, but by the media response. The next thing I know, Dan Abrams is discussing exit strategies for the Hillster and Good Morning America is saying how inevitable it is that she’s going to drop out.

Whoa, whoa, hold up. If I remember correctly, the media has spent the past few weeks acting like the suggestion that the race is over for Hillary is unendingly offensive, that the simple point that she cannot win the nomination democratically isn’t an inevitability. Oops. I guess the story has finally changed, as I suppose it was going to eventually. I predicted that if Hillary didn’t bow out, the media would force her out and it’s already happening. She can only take so much pressure from the media, the public, and her own people before she can’t hold on any longer.

. . . . .
Google Maps Street View: Catching those magic moments that you might otherwise miss!

Bike Accident:

Drug Deal

. . . . .

If you hadn’t already heard, Oliver Stone is doing a George Bush movie. Josh Brolin as Bush and Elizabeth Banks as the missus, courtesy of Entertainment Weekly:

At least it’s not “That’s My Bush”.

- Sean, I can’t think of anything funny to put. (Entropy! This blog is already falling apart again!)

May 08