Real-Time Expert Film Commentary: BRAINSCAN

Tonight on Real-Time Expert Film Commentary we review the 1994 Edward Furlong classic, “Brainscan”. This time with animated .gifs(!) and assistance from The Mysterious New Zealand Noodle Man. Let’s get started, shall we?

I’m watching a movie called ‘Brainscan’. It stars Edward Furlong and it’s about an evil videogame. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

We shall see if it’s truly commentary-worthy. I’m already laughing at the mid-90s technology. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

“Dude, its an interactive CD-ROM!!” about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

These kids seem pretty excited by the prospect of an INTERACTIVE video game. I don’t think they understand what a video game is. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

BOOBS!! about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong is a creepy little voyeur. It’s the role he was born to play. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

If this kid moves in next door to you, you should probably invest in some curtains.

He called the company thru his computer! Whoa, dude. It’s like he can talk to people with his computer. I wish I could do that. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 @Dr_Moonmaster How are you sending these messages to me? STOP COMMUNICATING WITH THE DEVIL! about 20 hours ago from TwitterFox in reply to Dr_Moonmaster

Damn principle trying to screw with the horror movie club!….wait, what school would allow a horror movie club?? about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

@ProjectX2 I can’t stop. I AM THE DEVIL. about 20 hours ago  from twitterrific  in reply to ProjectX2

Furlong is playing the videogame, which let’s you see through the eyes of a killer. Y’know, like Animal Crossing. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

He’s cutting off a guy’s foot. I’m sorry, but that’s just taking a fetish too far. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

The murder really happened, because this time – THE GAME IS FOR REAL. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

Foot in the fridge. Almost as bad as head in the fridge, and not nearly as bad as balls in the fridge. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 I lost my balls in the fridge once. about 20 hours ago from TwitterFox

@ProjectX2 They’re such a pain to thaw too. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific in reply to ProjectX2

Oh shit, some creepy devil guy just came out of the TV! Bad special effects! Weird mohawk/mullet hairdo! Truly terrifying stuff. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

What. The. Fuck. A year after Jurassic Park and this is the best they could do? Wow.

He’s dancing around to Primus. It gets scarier and scarier. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

The horror.  The horror.

Apparently, watching a girl undress makes her fall in love with you. My suspicions are correct. about 20 hours ago from twitterrific

He tried making a video of himself playing the game. I think he also recorded some kind of rant about noodles. about 20 hours ago

He killed his obnoxious friend. That’s not being a very good BFFF, bro. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

ProjectX2 @Dr_Moonmaster NOODLES! WHY DID THEY CHANGE THEM?! about 19 hours ago from TwitterFox in reply to Dr_Moonmaster

Devil Man gorges self on random food items. Story at eleven. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong had a dream where he was getting it on with Neighbor Girl and she morphed into the guy he killed. How very erotic. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

There’s a dog that they’re using, and I swear it’s the best actor in the whole movie. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Devil Guy wants Furlong to kill Neighbor Girl. How utterly predictable. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Furlong tried to kill Devil Guy and then Devil Guy ate him, sort of. More terrible special effects, of course. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! I WISH THIS MOVIE HAD A HIGHER BUDGEEETTTT!!!”

Now they are one. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Neighbor Girl was watching and photographing him, too. How sweet. Two perverts found each other. about 19 hours ago  from twitterrific

“Game over, you lose.” Cliche-ariffic. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

THE WHOLE THING WAS A FUCKING DREAM!!! WHAT A TWIST!!! about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

Now Furlong is freaking the fuck out, for obvious reasons. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

“Kyle!” “No, it’s Axl Rose.” So very 90s. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

It turns out Neighbor Girl really does like him, IRL. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

He gave the game to the principle, to review. Revenge is a dish best served with corny 90s pop culture references. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

But wait, there’s more! The dog, with a severed foot. Long story. And end with some fucking metal. Fuck yeah. about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

For a 90s movie, that was pretty 80s about 19 hours ago from twitterrific

I give it 666 Primus Dancing Devil Men out of ten. Or none, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL A FUCKING DREAM!!! about 19 hours ago  from twitterrific

That’s seriously how the movie ends.

- Eddie Furlo-, I mean…Sean. Yes. Sean. (Did you know I can make .gifs now?)

AUG 2008

The Dr. Barnaby T. Moon Adventure Blog!

I have launched a second blog, about the adventures of world-renowned explorer Dr. Barnaby T. Moon.

Visit it.

Read it.

Love it.

- Sean

AUG 2008

Real-Time Expert Film Commentary: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE

Taken from The Twitter:

Against all better judgment, I am watching Maximum Overdrive, the Stephen King movie about cars that kill people. Wish me luck. 02:57 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Haha, the atm called Stephen King an asshole. 02:58 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

“Music by AC/DC” because when I think ‘cars that kill people’, I think AC/DC. 03:02 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Pictured above:  Algebra.

Cool, that truck has the green goblin on it. I didn’t know Willem Defoe was in this. 03:05 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

That black guy said ‘yo mamma’ to the pinball machine. Now, that’s just gonna piss it off. 03:07 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

THE COKE MACHINE SHOT A POP AT THE GUY’S NUTS! Brilliant. And then it killed him and started attacking some kids. 03:13 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Some kid got run over and crushed! That’s horrible! 03:14 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

BRUTAL!! Knowing Stephen King, I bet it was a real child. His parents allowed him to be killed on screen because they read the script and realized that his life would be a small sacrifice in order to get this incredible film made.

It’s whatsherface who plays Lisa Simpson! Damn is she weird looking. 03:22 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Yeardly Smith, in her most gripping non-Simpsons performance since “The Legend of Billie Jean”.

ICE CREAM TRUCK, RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE! 03:29 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Who screams for ice cream? YOU SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!! 03:29 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

“You wanna rock n roll with me puss-bag??” Great insult. Insult to a truck. 03:34 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The truck just ran over a bible. Damn atheist trucks, trying to destroy the heartland with their San Francisco liberal values. 03:36 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

It’s a whole bunch of trucks. It’s like if all the gay truckers got together at one rest stop bathroom to play with each other’s wieners. 03:39 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

That truck fell off a hill but blew up before it even hit the ground. Lisa Simpson must have pyrokinesis. 03:43 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

WHY DOES THE FAT OLD GUY WHO RUNS THE DINER HAVE A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? 03:46 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And why don’t the trucks just ram into the diner. These trucks are dumbasses. 03:47 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Aww. Emilio Estevez is a tender southern gentleman. 03:48 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The hitchhiker girl fucked Emilio Estevez. What a slut. 03:54 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Pausing briefly to do something else. Mark my place. 04:02 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

This is what I was doing……Don’t you fucking judge me.

Aaaaand, we’re back. The drunk waitress went crazy. 05:06 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Still forty minutes left in this movie… 05:08 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

The kid tried to climb into a pipe earlier but he couldn’t get the grate off. He tried now and it comes right off. What the fuck? 05:11 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU! What appropriate music. I hope Emilio Estevez is about to rock. If so, I salute him. *salutes* 05:14 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Emilio Estevez, clearly about to rock. I, for one, salute him.

Quandary: How do the trucks see and hear people? Is it magic? I bet it’s magic. Or science. There’s no difference, really. 05:18 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

A bulldozer just smashed it’s way in. But the trucks didn’t. Apparently bulldozers are smarter than trucks. 05:25 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And then some army truck shot a bunch of people because they were too stupid to fucking duck. 05:26 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They sent them a message in morse code honks. Because they can communicate too. Was this based on a true story? It’s just so realistic. 05:28 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They’re refueling the trucks because the trucks told them to. With “Hell’s Bells” playing in the background. This movie is incredible. 05:32 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

Emilio thinks it’s aliens. 05:38 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They conveniently decide to smash up the place just as everyone is escaping. And boy are they a-smashin’. 05:42 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

You would think they could’ve done that earlier…

The diner done blowed up. The diner done blowed up real good. 05:44 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

OH FUCK NO ITS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! … Oh, they killed it. That was easy. 05:45 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

They blew the green goblin to shit and then they escaped on a boat, all whilst rocking out to the sweet ruckus of AC/DC. Good for them. 05:49 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

EPILOGUE: a Russian satellite blew up a UFO and they got away from the comet or whatever, so everything’s fine now. 05:51 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

And “The survivors of the Dixie Boy are still survivors.” Thank god, cuz I was worried about that. 05:56 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

I give it twelve “She shook me all night long”s out of ten. 05:58 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

I subtracted five points for NOT MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE, but add seven for it’s rocking soundtrack and it’s rocking Emilio Estevez. 05:59 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO TRUCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!! 06:04 AM August 01, 2008 from twitterrific

- Sean, shaking it all night long.

AUG 08